•I don’t usually talk about this outside of my own private spaces, though I trust that the forum I created will have no judgment.... I as Lady Luuna’strreii did not awaken in this human body until early 2020 right as the pandemic took its hold on the world. I simply watched this human body/soul live it’s life from where I was awake upon Th’aaneii Aiisha’Piivaanakkshaa O’ Creaa’viirtaarkaal, waiting for the right time to slumber and truly live my life as a human. There was a major setback however. Something I call the “human personality/ parasite” took over the mind and soul of my mortal body. It was right around the time that my schizoaffective was developing in my human mind. There was no longer any light in my human eyes, no happiness, no laughter, no real reason for living, only indescribable suffering and pain. The next seven years were filled with horrible, unbearable suicidal depression. Every single day there was a pit in “my” chest, “I” constantly felt like dying, “I” couldn’t wait to fall asleep because nothing was worth staying awake for. “I” felt this life wasn’t worth living, and that nothing would ever be worth living through this disgusting nightmare. You can imagine my grief upon Aiisha’Piivaanakkshaa having the thought that I wouldn’t be able to live my mortal life. There was never a single shred of happiness in those seven years that is in any way salvageable, and those horrible memories that aren’t even mine are absolutely traumatizing. I’m anxious and sick thinking about it as I’m writing this. However, by some eternal grace, (perhaps my almighty father upon Aiisha’Piivaanakkshaa) took away all that pain so I could finally live my life. When he did so, I no longer felt that pain, I no longer felt suicidal, I no longer felt that ache in my chest, and I could finally feel happiness again. My entire personality changed and I was able to live again. Schizoaffective is an incurable disease, and I will always suffer from other horrible symptoms, though I have never, ever felt that parasitic pain that “I” felt in those wasted years. I waited for my human body and mind to recover from all those horrible events before I truly awakened in this body early March of 2020. I’m never going to fully recover from those years, though I’m doing my best to put them behind my being, reminding myself that those really aren’t my experiences, and just be grateful for the fact that I can finally be happy again, and I can finally live once more without those horrible feelings. I’m grateful that the pain was taken away, and I’ll live my life the best way I can now.
•I would like to hear about your experiences. My awakening experience is one of the reasons I feel too different to be in the otherkin community, though I’m trying to dig myself out of that hole. Obviously mine are so different that it isn’t even comprehensible, though I suppose being different is good right?
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My own awakening is, of course, as unique as yours. Every time I try to write down my experiences, I become a little better at the details and at not being so terribly long-winded. We'll see how this attempt goes:
Ever since I was a very young child, I've felt different. I was told since I was 6 years old that I was "very mature for my age". I was always different, always the kid on the playground with wild and new games. I was always imitating animals. I started with dogs when I was 5, creating a rudimentary language of barks and growls that I annoyed my parents and teachers with, while simultaneously amusing my friends. I transitioned to lions at about age 7, and shuffled through wolves, cougars, cheetahs, horses, sharks, betta fish, apes, and finally settled on dragons when I was about 10 and was introduced to the Spyro game franchise. My cousin (who afaik is not alterhuman) and I would play at being dragons in the back yard, playing in the sprinker, or in the pool. This was still before I awakened, but looking back I realize that all these animals I imitated, and my rapid fixation on dragons, were all early signs of my alterhuman identity.
When I was in the latter half of my 14th year I began drawing for the first time since I was a young child. I bought a "how to draw dragons" book with step-by-step instructions on many types of dragons. I studied it extensively, sometimes drawing four or five sketches a day. I eventually started branching into my own art style about the time I turned 15.
I don't have a clear memory of when I Awakened. I don't think it was a sudden and instantaneous event where my identity came bursting upon my conscious mind. But I remember a rush of knowledge one day after I had been wrestling with a strengthening feeling that somehow, I was a dragon.
I had been drawing a new sketch. I had been trying without success to draw wings folded that didn't look completely stupid. I had very limited internet access, as my mom made just barely enough money to keep us housed in a clean apartment and to feed us three meals a day. So, I couldn't just look up reference material. Thus, I was focusing very hard on trying to imagine in my mind what a folded wing would look like. Suddenly, I experienced my first shift. I was crouched on my bedroom floor over my pad of drawing paper when suddenly I could feel wings on my back. It was the catalyst that woke the first memories in my mind of my dragon self, my dragon life.
The memories started coming in drips and trickles after that. I had a few vivid dreams in which I was a dragon. Then, I met the spirit who has been my spiritual guide ever since. I remembered my name, and my drawings began to look familiar. One day I drew a dragon head, and as I finished it realized I had drawn my own face. My memories became my model for my art.
it's been 13 years since I first awakened, and there has been so much I have learned about myself. Yet, one thing is always certain: There is much more that I have yet to learn!
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Growing up as a dragon, I knew right away I was not like the other kids. We all played as animals, as creatures, as characters we liked, but it was not the same for me. It was not an act and I was not playing. In these times I could let loose and just be my true self with no side glances or weird looks from anyone. I could growl and hiss, and climb trees, and be free with my expression. As we all got older, I did not grow out of things like everyone else. They, unlike me, were not Otherkin. It quickly became something I had to try and hide the older I became. Hiding my Otherkinity was not something easy, and usually did not work out though. I felt like I was constantly having to watch my behaviour and pass as "normal". It was like having a secret identity. When I was alone the mask could come off and I could breathe easily again. I could go run through the forest and feel the wind in my wings, and feel the human things wash away as nature closed in all around me. Only when I was away from it all and outside the distractions and dramas of my human life was when I felt complete. Yet in this, I was also alone.
My discovery of the Otherkin when I was in middle school turned everything around for me. I found others like me and that awakened me to being part of what they were: Otherkin. I now had a word and a group to call myself by. I could finally talk to and make friends with other dragons and fantastic creatures from around the world. I was able to learn so many words for the things I felt. The ghostly sensation of limbs I felt my entire life, phantom limbs, was something others felt too and it was amazing to learn all these things. To know that others experienced of feeling more other than human, shifting in so many ways I never even thought of before. Just knowing was already something that meant greatly to me, that I was not alone.
The way I am awakened being whether born as such, or happening in the moment when I discovered Otherkin, both are meaningful to me and my personal Otherkinity.
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Except to say that I was awakening as two dragons at once, some of the time. Especially towards the end. I started awakening as a "dragon soul" as I started to draw Jeida in different dragon forms. In my meditations, my draconity became the main focus. It became more and more fundamental to who I am.
I got this sense that in my past lives, there have been many dragon lives. But it all stopped at a certain point, when I decided to become human. I spent many human lives in other worlds before eventually coming to this one. In more recent lives, I was a chimera. Humanoid, but transmuted into a half-fox creature. That seemed to happen by accident, but it broke the illusion of humanity.
For so many years in this life, I've searched for something similar. A half-human creature, that unlocked all my nonhuman feelings. Eventually on a whim I decided to draw a half-dragon character to make Yaoi art with. Then everything in my life changed.
I'm not certain of very much. But for me, the human experience is coming to an end. I'm here to heal past traumas and get away from danger, safe and disconnected from "Bigger" things. I'm also here because it's easier to choose a nonhuman species if you're something "generic" like a human being. It's like being at a crossroads.
Jeida represents a future life, in some form. Either him or a member of his species. So calling him a kintype is complicated and not really accurate. At least not yet. I don't think I'll know what I look like until after I'm dead.
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My awakening as a wolf... happened at a very difficult time, and it wasn't easy, though not as hard as my spirit awakening was. It began when I was 12 or so, and I started having dreams of being a werewolf. But not like, a hollywood werewolf or a traditional werewolf running around on two legs; I was just me, and I turned into a wolf. Just a normal wolf. It felt so natural. I started to experience my first mental shifts - I lived in Canada at the time, and when I was out walking in the wild forests with my dog, I would feel such odd momentary urges - to run on all fours, or howl. I didn't know why, but it was a strangely calming experience for me, to feel that way... I felt so at home there, like the only time I felt any sense of rightness and belonging in my life was when I was out in the wilderness with my dog, who I now understand very much filled the role of "pack" for me. He was my best friend.
But then... ugh, it was complicated, but things went wrong and me and my family moved from Canada to Scotland, fleeing an abusive situation. I lost my dog in the move, which broke me in ways I can't even begin to articulate. And things started to feel... wrong. I felt pent up. The feeling of calm belonging was gone. Instead I felt restless, tense, like I was out of place. There's very little wilderness in Scotland, it's all farmland - there was nowhere I could go to feel the calm of the forest, to feel like myself. I spent the nights tossing and turning, wanting more than anything to just... run outside in the dark, run far away from the town I lived in, past the fields, run until I found a forest where I could feel safe. I never did, of course. But I longed to.
It was then that the more problematic shifts kicked in. I got angry and wanted to growl. I got scared of human things, things that suddenly seemed so alien and unfamiliar - buildings, cars, planes, all were terrifying to me, at least during the moments when I mentally shifted. I didn't like the open spaces, I didn't like feeling exposed. But buildings made me feel trapped. There was no escaping... except at night, when I finally fell asleep. I had the most vivid dreams, of living in the wild with a pack of wolves. Always the same wolves. Always the same place. But then I'd wake up, and... not make the connection. They were just weird dreams, and I was just another weird teenager.
Then, one day I was just... walking through town on my own, and a realisation hit me like a ton of bricks: that I wasn't human. I didn't know how or why, but I was so sure in that moment - that my body may be human, but my mind, my soul was not. So I jumped to what I connected with most: dogs. I've always felt an affinity for dogs, always felt like I understood them - of course I was a dog! Nevermind the dreams I'd been having... it just didn't click at the time. It was only a bit later that I realised me being a dog didn't really add up. It was something about domesticity. I just couldn't see myself as anything but wild. So the obvious next option: wolf. Then I remembered the dreams I'd been having, and... it all made sense. I was sure then that I was a wolf. When I found and joined the community a few months later, I certainly took the time to evaluate and question myself, but at my core I just knew.
I hopped between a few potential subspecies before settling on Eurasian wolf. It just... adds up. And feels right.
~ ~ ~
I'd been awakened as a wolf for... about a year, when I got a big chunk of my past life memories back, memories of my wolf life. It was so sudden - I was just meditating, and it came back, so vivid and real. But it awoke something else in me, too. Something I couldn't put my finger on. It was like... a shadow, looming over me. Part of the memories I recovered were memories of my death, and there was something there... like, there was something I needed to know, but I was blocked from being able to know it. But the feeling of there being something "more", something that I didn't understand... that remained with me. Though I tried very hard to ignore it. I was content to be just a wolf. I liked being simple. I didn't want to be anything else.
I buried these feelings. I ignored it. I continued being a wolf. I ignored the wings on my back and the way my mind would shift sometimes in ways that didn't make sense. Push it down, carry on. Nothing to see here. I denied this part of myself until... something broke. I broke myself. Shattered, really.
See, those feelings that I'd been ignoring, the questions I'd been trying so hard not to ask... they became something else. Split off into a different being. Someone to force me to confront the "demon" I was running from.
I named him Dragon, though he didn't really have a name. I called him a "he", though he didn't really have a gender. He was this... overwhelming, alien presence in my mind. I could talk to him, but when he spoke back it was like he was talking in four dimensions, thinking things that couldn't be thought, things that I couldn't grasp because they just weren't compatible with my way of being. Some things got through, though. The sense of immense age. The sense of some kind of... resolute power, like it could shape the world just by commanding it be so. And a feeling of very deep, all-consuming anger. It was terrifying. I was terrified of him. I just wanted him to go away, leave me in peace.
Sometimes he would take over my - our - body, and I'd be left helpless, unable to do anything, watching out of eyes I could no longer control. I can't even begin to explain what that feels like.
But... it was so strange, but over time I kind of... got used to it. I got used to him. His speech started to make more sense, and we'd talk. Slowly, he found ways to explain things to me. Never in words, more in... feelings and concepts. I got the sense of being intrinsically connected to the world around us, and a sense of... incredible smallness. I could feel this vast ocean that was him, and how I was just a tiny speck compared to it. He stopped taking over our body against my will, then he stopped altogether. And eventually I came to realise that... well, I was him. He was never me, but I was him. I was a part of him. It scared me at first, but... I guess if you sit with an idea for long enough, you'll eventually find a way to accept it. With that acceptance, with every day that passed, his presence started to fade. He was harder to talk to, and he felt more distant every day. Then I woke up and... he was just gone. And the weird thing is that I missed him. I missed him so bad.
Even weirder was the realisation that we'd merged. "I", as I talk now, am not the same as the me that existed alongside Dragon. "I" am both of us. I am both sides of the coin. The change was subtle, but it was there. It's like there was a door that was holding back an ocean. Dragon was a voice behind the door, talking to me through it. And by relating to me, bonding with me... he opened the door. Or broke it down. And now I'm still just a drop in the ocean, but I'm also something more. I am the whole ocean, watching through human eyes. Something so immeasurably vast and old, with a little human body as its avatar.
That doesn't mean I just immediately knew everything about myself, though. It took many more years of introspecting, exploring this vast ocean that had been made open to me, before I reached any kind of understanding. During that time, the trauma I had experienced during my childhood and early teens also started to catch up with me, and I became deeply depressed and unwell. I was hit by intense species dysphoria - I just wanted to return to my existence as a spirit, or to start again with a new body and a new life. But I couldn't do that, and I'm glad. Through the darkness I still managed to learn more about myself... drop by drop, things clicked into place and I started to get a clearer picture. Until finally I reached the understanding of myself that I have today.
But then I lost touch with myself. So I tried to talk to Dragon again, to get him to reseparate and come back... and he did, though he's not the same as he used to be. But we talk sometimes and it reminds me of old times. He encourages me to embrace my nonhumanity. I hold back, because humanity isn't a bad thing to have, and I do enjoy being human... pretending to be human? Whatever. Now I just try to find the balance between being him and being me. A little bit of both. It's a work in progress, but I'm sure I'll get there eventually.
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